Haze

Haze has struck again. So hot, so stuffy and I'm suffocating. It's even worse when I don't have an air conditioner at home. I have to endure, and pray for the best that it rains every day. I seriously can't sleep at night if this goes on. So......today, I actually attended a blood donation campaign but sadly I was rejected from donating blood despite weighing more than 45 kg. My blood count just wasn't enough well, enough for me only. Selfish eh? Well, gotta take more food with vitamin C and iron. I just gotta try again next time! But I really do hope I was able to donate at least a packet of blood today. Lately, it's been pretty stressful. (Part of the reason why I am blogging right now. One way out to break free from this shit loads of stuff )   But at least, I'm feeling blessed. So far, I have safe trips to and back from school. It's okay, though I am a bit of a clumsy and slow driver, I'm glad I was still safe and I do hope I'll be safe in future. God Bless! Violin lessons were awesome as always. I keep learning new stuff and I'm truthfully thankful for everything. Have a nice day everyone! 

Please

Reason why I got thinner without trying. Stress. I can take stress mentally but it seems like the stress is really showing physically. I want a break so badly. Wasn't because I'm stressed out because of study or any particular exams. Some really private stuff. It's killing and eating me inside out. God, lend me your strength. Direct me to the right path. Lead me to the light. I hope I'm right, because..I no longer know, what am I doing right now. I have to occupy myself with extra work, and more work. Please, God and Thank You God. I love you.

*p/s: If you're thinking I'm having some problem with love life, then you're wrong :l I don't have one to begin with. *

Weird

Dreamt something weird last night. I was dating and it definitely creeps me out. Okay, I drove today with my sister alongside guiding me. I have no idea how I passed my driving test, like seriously? Makes no difference with an amateur driving! I was so clumsy. Most of all, I'm confusing all the drivers on road. I guess I need more practise on it! Who would have known, or at least me, would have thought driving was that hard . . . . I'm one step closer being independent and learning how to drive is another big step in life. That's what I thought, at least.

Smiles!

Well I'm back from the interview. Extremely tired, slept the whole afternoon. Let's get on with what happened during the interview, shall we?  It was fun! I was indeed feeling a little bit nervous but not more because the people there, the applicants and volunteers were so nice! Went round, chatting with each other. Excellent people they are. I'm not sure if I stand a chance or not but I do hope I do! Don't stop believing. I hope I did well because I screwed up by answering nonsense about stuff I don't know but it's okay. I guess? Hahaha! I hope to see both of those volunteers again :) AND OF COURSE, more applicants from Perak. It was so nice meeting these brilliant people !!! I miss them so much now! ahahaha

Student Exchange Interview

Well, it's late night. I'm nervous for the interview, student exchange interview. I'm not rich, therefore I really hope by all means I'm granted a scholarship for this! Even if I fail, I'll keep trying. It has always been my dream to go abroad. Yup...maybe you can't feel my desperation here but yea, I'm actually pretty desperate. Why am I so desperate for it? Simply because I wanna see the world! I wanna adapt myself into a totally new environment especially in a non-English speaking country. Pretty challenging but I like it. So, I've opted for Japan and USA. I would be extremely happy if I can make it to Japan. Be it 2-4 weeks or a semester. I will be happy too if I made it to USA  :) well, as long as it's an exchange program. I do hope they don't judge me too much based on my results. I ain't smart you know? I've never been in the top 20s in school before. The best position I got was 30/200+ student. While some of them might spend time researching about Malaysia and the country their opting for but....just what exactly am I doing? I do have some experience being interviewed as I applied for the same program last year. Unfortunately it was cancelled. Even so, I definitely did not waste any time being there as I do learned a lot from some returnees and at least, well...the least...I get some picture of how the interview was carry out? and how things were working out. I looked up to a lot of people there. The standard was so high, I almost lost my self esteem! I hope at least, I made it through the first round :( I'm not that nervous, I'm kinda excited actually. But any ways, I hope I manage move the interviewers. I seriously need this! For some reasons actually. :) To those who are going through the same thing as me, be confident, sincere through out the whole interview and stay as calm as possible. It's okay if you don't make it. At least you've done your best. Leave that place without regrets! KUDOS AND BEST OF LUCK!

So what?

I'm losing my self-esteem lately. The world is revolving and I'm stuck in this stand-still world of mine. Why am I so weak mentally? Just because of some criticism I've been upset about various of things and begin to doubt my abilities. I might be a slow learner, so what? I'm lazy..so what? I'm a coward, so what? WELL, that's the end of it. If I'm a slow learner, I need to work extra hard. I'm not born perfect, I have flaws. Too much flaws. SO WHAT? I'm lazy, don't worry...I know when to get my ass working. I'm a coward. Yes, in a sense that I'm timid of venturing new stuff and making mistakes. I need to make more mistakes and learn more. So what if I start late? Even if I start late, it IS better than not starting it at all right? Self control! Self Control! SELF CONTROL. That's what matter most! No one is to be blame except for YOURSELF. Be responsible for everything that happens in your life. Be it bad or good. I need to get up, stand up, wake up, work up, chin up, head up and cheer up! Not only me, but everyone of you who were feeling depressed and lost! It's not like I don't care about people around me, I do have sympathy and empathy towards humans. But that doesn't mean one can slip away by dwelling themselves in pain and drown themselves into the pool of desperation. You know it's not good, so why do so? We know it's bad for the heart if we take things to account and get overly sad when our abilities and effort didn't meet our aspirations. But hey, SO WHAT? You've tried, you've done it, be proud of it. Face it, embrace it, burn that shit sadness of yours and start planting some seed of happiness in your damn head. You have the choice to choose. You have the right to choose. If there's no choice, make one. You think you have no rights to do so? Then screw it, make yourself worth it !

KEEP THE DESIRE BURNING!


*note to self*

Future

Nothing much interesting lately going one with my life. I just can't help thinking about my future. What will I be? It bothers me a lot what I wanna be in future. I'm still searching...

Doubts

It wasn't really a good holiday. It's kinda stressful having to deal so much things at once. Having a lot of doubts and worries. Can I make it?